From My Mommy Heart

I don’t know why God saw fit to give us twins. 

I remember the moments of literal insanity from lack of sleep during that first year. More than once I thought my baby was purposely being mean to me by waking back up just when I’d laid down. It was rough (is the understatement of the century). The hardest year of my life. 

I remember choosing on their first birthday that year two was going to be better. I was going to get out more. I was going to start living life again instead of just surviving. And it wasn’t easy, but we did. We started going to the zoo with friends. I took them grocery shopping (oh that one time I forgot my wallet…) just to prove I could. Our double stroller barely fits through doorways and is no fun to maneuver by myself, but we got out and we did things. Everyone warned me that when they started crawling and walking that life would get harder, but I loved it. When they were mobile they could follow me around and I didn’t have to carry two babies around the house. Year two was rough, but we did it. And enjoyed it.

Around their second birthday I realized I needed to start doing something out of the house. Their attitudes were normal 2 year old attitudes, but double time. Some days it was more than I could handle. I decided to go back to work PRN. Somehow taking care of someone else’s babies during the day made me super excited to return to mine. The boys grew even closer to their Dad, their Mimi, & Grace, who all take care of them while I work. Life was busier and thus harder, but it was good.

We are now smack dab in the middle of year four. I have two 3 year olds around constantly. Neither of which EVER stop talking or asking for things (how many times a day can 1 child say “Mom, can I have a rolla bar please?”). I’m not the best mom. I don’t handle the constant of two little ones perfectly. But there are these moments that make me stop and catch my breath. I can tell that I’m starting to see why God gave us two babies at one time. 

When they sit down together and have a 3 yr old discussion without fighting, it’s the best. When they happily play together, there’s nothing like it. When they have conversations or tell jokes or laugh with each other, it makes my heart pause to try to take it all in. When they haven’t seen each other in 30 seconds and giggle and hug because they’re so excited to be back together, my momma heart just about bursts. This morning they were outside playing in pajamas that don’t match, wearing their shoes on the wrong feet, just the way they like it. The breeze is cool and the temperature is amazing, and they were playing so happily together my heart almost couldn’t take it. It was a gift from God and my boys and it made my heart swell.

I still believe it’s a choice we have to make to thrive when life is hard, instead of just surviving. This is not something I have perfected by any means. And I still look back at that first year and wonder how we ever made it. The only way we did was by relying heavily on my mom & other family, friends, and God’s grace to make it through. Having moved past that it’s amazing to look ahead and see that my boys are growing into smart, kind little men with generous hearts towards others. I love seeing the things that delight them. My heart hurts when they are hurting. And I’m slowly learning that though I may never fully know why, God knew what he was doing when he gave us twins.

As I’ve thought about this post, I want to add a little bit to the end of my blog… to hopefully encourage YOU if you’re going through a hard time! It won’t always be this way. Things change, kids grow, jobs aren’t always the same. I would encourage you to reach out to God, and family or friends that you trust to help you get through it. Tomorrow will be different. Next week isn’t going to be the same as today. And by next year you might not even recognize yourself. If you need someone to specifically pray for you right now, please feel free to comment here or message me via my facebook page. I would be happy to lift your name to God to help you get through whatever you may be going through. Hugs, to you, my reader.

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